We need to exercise the discipline as we advance into the rest of the paragraph. Our student, though, was not keeping to the rules, and so, as perhaps could be expected, the lack of control at the outset means that, by the third sentence, the writing begins more and more to fall apart as he wrestles with his ideas:
It was the first place of its kind, in America in this respect, also in the way he carefully detailed and drew up the system of government, to be implemented there, and proposal for future American colonies.
The student is trying to expand the reach of the essay, but stumbling in the attempt. The primary problem is again the fact that the student is thinking out loud, with the commas separating thought units rather than separating grammatical units; as such, the commas fail to contribute to the construction of meaning in the sentence, acting instead to make the writing jerky and less than clear.
We will try to sort out the problems step by step. The first main clause is:
It was the first place of its kind, in America in this respect…
This sounds awkward and is wrongly punctuated. The student needs to move the phrase in this respect to an earlier position in the sentence to salvage it:
It was, in this respect, the first place of its kind in America…
What rules have we employed here? As always, we have tried to establish the subject/verb/object sequence. But we have also had to call upon our knowledge of the punctuation rules governing commas in order to place (and punctuate) the parenthetical phrase in this respect in the correct manner. What we might also note about the phrase in this respect is that it is a nice ‘enabling’ touch that establishes a line of continuity and connection between the previous sentence and this sentence. In rewriting work, you should pay attention to whether the inclusion of parenthetical words and phrases (words like however, therefore etc.) can smooth the progress and flow of your writing. Such words are a clear example of how the most minor surgery can make a considerable difference to your work.
We still, however, have to sort out the remaining problems in this student’s sentence. Let’s take the whole extract, but incorporating the changes we have now made:
It was, in this respect, the first place of its kind in America, also in the way he carefully detailed and drew up the system of government, to be implemented there, and proposal for future American colonies.
The passage is still ungainly and awkward, but the more serious problem is that the rules of sentence construction are again being broken.
There is a comma splice {in America, also in the way), where the comma is relied upon 3 do all the work, whereas one or two extra words – replacing ‘also’ by ‘as well as’ and adding a verb – would have produced a standard and effective Sentence:
It was, in this respect, the first place of its kind in America, as well as being first in the way that Penn carefully detailed and drew up the system of government to be implemented there.
This has created a second main clause, giving us a compound sentence. We also lost an unnecessary comma towards the end. What is also apparent is that the sentence has gone on for long enough; it is better to jettison the extra fragment – and proposal for future American colonies – which does not make sense as it has no verb in it. Again, the student is merely thinking out loud; he is relying upon the comma to make the link rather than formulating proper grammatical units. He needs another – fresh – sentence to move the case in the paragraph forward, instead of and proposal for future American colonies, we need a fresh subject/verb/object sequence, probably something on the lines of:
These proposals served as a model for future American colonies.